‘I remember my training supervisor asking me if I’d read Melanie Klein. I said I hadn’t …
‘… And she said, “Really, seriously? You’ve never read Klein!” I felt ashamed,’ Paola explains as her eyes inspect the rug.
‘Why didn’t you lie?’ I ask.
‘I couldn’t do that!’ Paola exclaims incredulously.
‘Why not? You could’ve said, “I’ve read Klein and wasn’t impressed”.’
Paola blurts out a laugh, ‘No!’
‘Well, therapists don’t lie … it’s unethical, it’s incongruent.’
‘Anything else?’ I ask.
As though scanning the rug for an answer Paola adds, ‘I might’ve got caught.’ We simultaneously let out a laugh.
‘Ah, so you don’t think you’re a good enough liar?’ I query as impishly as I can.
‘No, it actually didn’t occur to me to lie; as I said, “Therapists don’t lie”.’
‘But that’s not true,’ I object.
‘Well, part of our training – of having extensive therapy – involves looking at the beliefs we’re brought up with. Some are lies we’re told that we’ve come to believe, and some are lies we’ve told ourselves in order to believe. A large part of becoming a psychotherapist is recognising self-deception and then seeing if we can bear to live with it and without it.
‘Parents teach their children to lie – they tell them they shouldn’t, but even that’s a lie. Children have to learn to recognise their parents’ lies; they discover their parents’ hypocrisy and in time appreciate it for what it is. It’s the child’s task to decode “You shouldn’t lie” as “Be a good liar, and don’t get caught”.’
‘Hm, that’s true. But surely lying’s unethical,’ Paola insists.
‘What does your Ethical Framework say about lying?’ I ask.
‘I’m not sure, but it does talk about honesty.’
‘I don’t know either – I’m not with BACP, although I don’t recall any code of ethics I’ve ever read saying anything about lying. Honesty is a bit more tricky.’
‘In what way?’
‘Well, you were honest when you gave your reasons for not lying – it didn’t mean you weren’t lying. You’ve made your reasons, your beliefs fit the narrative of how you think therapists should be.’
‘Okay so I was worried about getting caught, but lying’s not congruent.’
‘As well as feeling shame, did you feel anything else?’
‘Well yes – I was really angry.’
‘So what else could you have done with your anger?’
‘I couldn’t’ve challenged her, she had power over me: she was writing my Supervisor’s Report.’
‘Hm, yeah you were in a vulnerable position.’
‘It would’ve felt good though – challenging her directly I mean,’ Paola licks her lips as though she could taste it.
‘Well, giving yourself permission to lie is empowering. The more permission you give yourself, the more likely you’d feel able to challenge her directly,’ I suggest.
‘I can see that, but I’m just not comfortable: therapists should be moral.’
‘Even when morality is born out of fear and lies?’
‘Hm, you’re not letting me off the hook,’ Paola smiles.
‘It’s your hook.’
Her smile disappears.
‘I’m advocating the rarest of lies – the lie you didn’t tell: the intentional one. Intentional lies take awareness, calculation and skill. The lie you told is very common: the one where you lie to yourself and then present it as truth or honesty. This type of lying has little or no awareness.’
‘Okay, I acknowledge I was deceiving myself. I should do better, but surely that’s the point; I mean, as therapists aren’t we meant to do better?’
‘Are we? Going back to BACP, did you know they accredit therapists who’ve had no personal therapy at all?’
‘Yes I did, and of course it’s absurd, but does that make them unethical or immoral?’
‘Maybe. But I agree, BACP justify an absurd position; it’d be like learning to dive with someone who’s never dived before.’
‘Sure I get that: I’m a diver.’
‘So you know it’d be crazy to go into the depths with someone who’s not spent a large amount of time there. You’d want a Dive Master; you wouldn’t trust someone who says, “I’ve read a lot of books on diving, but I’ve never actually done it”, or “I’ve been a number of times, I’m a confident swimmer, and, oh yeah, I’m quite good at holding my breath under water”.’
Paola beams with recognition, ‘Wow, I’d never thought about it like that. Yes to get the most from therapy you want a therapist who’s experienced full immersion in a therapeutic relationship, someone who knows how to explore relational depth and be able to get you both back safely to the surface. Being able to float on the surface is not good enough.’
‘Exactly. BACP say they promote ethics and professional standards but actually they’ve devalued them. I hope they’re lying to themselves because if not, well, then they’ve got serious problems.’
‘Hm,’ Paola murmurs.
‘They are the hypocritical parent,’ she replies.
‘Yes … “The eye cannot see itself”,’ I add.
‘Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.’ (Friedrich Nietzsche)
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